{chance}

Oh but it is easy… finding him isn’t easy, but being with him should absolutely be!  So, funny thing is that I had a date right before I decided to go one my “dating diet” and while I didn’t really write about said date, it has turned out to be my chance to say “hello love.”  The date itself wasn’t good.  And I didn’t think I wanted to see him again, but I went for date number 2… and I am so very happy I did.  Because…

Hello love… heeeellllloooo love… oh my goodness… hello LOVE?!?!?!?  This feels like the first time that I have said hello and actually given it a chance.  I am not forcing it, I am not wishing it to be something that it isn’t or wont be, and I’m not afraid of it.  It is simply nice… and easy… and enjoyable… and fun… and effortless… and genuine.  I want to spend as much time possible with him, and I miss him when he is gone, and none of it is overwhelming.  It doesn’t seem silly, or impractical.  It doesn’t feel contrived, or required.  It just feels right.  It feels like what I always imagined but never thought was really real.  It is real!  It really, really is real.  And it is sooooo nice.  I am enjoying every budding moment of it.  No rush… just happily enjoying everything that comes with it.

And just in case you were wondering… we are 6 weeks and 16 dates in…

{who said it was going to be easy?}

blah...

just blah...

Why is it that I meet a guy who will, without a doubt, be an amazing, doting boyfriend...  who is a super nice guy... who adores me already...  and who actually wants a serious, committed relationship.. and I can't stand him?  That sounds harsh, but it is completely true.  He is too nice, too smart, too awkward, just too TOO.  I am having a dating identity crisis here.  On paper, he is amazing... but when i talk to him I roll my eyes at things that he says.  I even had the friends meet him and give their opinion.  Really I wanted to make sure I am not crazy.  And their assessment is... he's great... he's super nice... he's really smart... and he really likes you... BUT... he's too much.

I feel like Dating-locks and the Three Bears... one is tooo nice, the other isn't nice enough... where is the "juuuuuuuuuuust right one"?

{day ???}

So... apparently I am horrible at diets... dating diets at least.  I broke my pact and had a date last night.  It was very nice, very simple, very long.  We just had dinner, but ended up being the last people at the restaurant.  We talked for 5 hours... non-stop.  My throat hurt this morning from talking so much... and yes... i actually let him get a word in edgewise.  He is nice, and seems like a normal guy.  We shared a lot of the same opinions.  I like that he is a couple of years older than me and seems to have everything in line.  I think we will keep this one around and see where it goes.  No second date scheduled yet, but he did text me a little message this morning.

We shall see...

{day 1}

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

Where I am… where am I?  I am in a rut.  I am neither happy, nor sad.  I feel a need for change.  Not major change, but improvement.  On that note, I found this quote tonight:

Today I want you to ask yourself this one question, “Why not you?”  Why not you to do something for work that you love?  Why not you to have a healthy body? Why not you to have healthy love?  Why not you to be, have, or do anything you have ever dreamed?  We are so quick to think others are deserving over ourselves.  The truth is that we are all deserving.  So why not you? ~Jillian Michaels

Sometimes I feel like I need my own personal Jillian to hold me accountable.  Why can’t my will power be Jillian re-incarnated?  Is it re-incarnation when it is not an actual being?  I digress… I’m going to start using Jillian as a verb.  Time to Jillian up this situation.  I need a Jillian Cricket on my shoulder.

Ok Jillian… I’m buying it.  Why not me?

I deserve to be happy with myself, my life, my habits, and my relationships.

So… Day 1:  I keep thinking that I didn’t do much.  In fact I feel like I failed on the nutritional side of my “DIET.”  However, I did get things done around the house and I tackled the mountain of laundry.  I also put a halt on the dating scene by telling a couple of suitors that I had plans through the weekend.

So, in retrospect, Day 1 was a good start.  Let’s see how Day 2 will go…

{trimming down}

I’m going on a dating diet for one week.  I am going to only concentrate on me for one whole week.  I am going to get things done on my “to do” list.  I am going to improve my habits.  And I am going to be in the company of only my friends, neighbors, and cats for one week.  And at the end of this week I am going to assess my situation.  I am going to see what is important to me.  And during this time I am going on a financial diet, as well as a nutritional diet.  One week… seven days… Doesn’t sound hard does it?

{woosaw}

I am having a moment of crazy...

I am right to listen to my gut....

But I have also come to the realization that I try way to hard to rescue things or prove myself...

Woooooosaw...

I need a new perspective...

I need to step back...

I need a nap (no a hibernation)...

Ok, here is my declaration... In November I will concentrate on myself.  I will do things that benefit me.  I will find a way to make myself happy without needing others to be the source of it.

How the heck am I going to do that?

Step one:  Start running again!

{uh oh}

I know I have said in past posts that I always feel better and things seem to get better when I voice my concerns…

Well, here hoping…

I got a bit of a shock to the system last week, and by system I mean that emotional system that I try and keep a wall up around (well maybe a fence.)  Tall fish told me he was going out of town for work again.  No big deal right?  Well he told me he was going to be gone for two weeks come home for two days and then leave again for two weeks.  Ouch!  My heart sank the moment he told me this.  This sucks!  A month without him?  I actually felt tears welling up and I pouted like a 2-year old who had his toys taken away.  But in those moments I realized what I was feeling.  Feelings!  I not only care for him but I care about him; not that I didn’t know this before, I just hadn’t had that slap in the face realization until then.  I really do care about him.  I really do want something serious with him.  I really do miss him when he is gone.  I am now really, really scared!

I am not afraid of relationships.  I am not afraid of him in anyway.  I am however afraid of being hurt because I now know that this will hurt if something happens.  And now I am a little worried that he has withdrawn a bit.  I can’t think of anything I have done to make this happen.  I think I am just getting the “oh crap” feelings that make me worry about every little itty bitty thing.  I have had a long week with a lot going on, so things are definitely a little off.  I am hoping that it is the same on his end, that this week has just been a crazy one.

Oh, and on a side note, he doesn’t have to be gone the whole month.  He was just kidding with me.  He was gone over night a couple of days ago and will leave again in a week.  I am praying to the relationship Gods that I am just being a silly girl who has realized that there is a lot at stake here.  I want to keep things in perspective too.  We have only been dating for just over two months.  It is good that I am realizing what this means to me, but I do believe it is still early in the game to freak out about little itty bitty details.  Here’s hoping I have plenty of time to analyze and freak out about our relationship later (kidding.)

{i'm baaaaaaaaaaack...}

I know I have been seriously missing in action lately... but... well... um... I have a great excuse...

I'm happy...

I'm having fun...

And I'm not alone...

Yep, met someone.  Yep, he makes me happy.  Yep, we are having fun.

Not rushing things... just enjoying the simple moments that make having someone in your life nice.  We haven't gotten to the "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage but have both described each other as "the guy/girl that I'm dating."  It seems silly when you are thirty-something, but right now that's what we are... silly.  And silly is nice.  I have no doubt that he cares for me and I hope he can say the same.  There is no reason to rush into super serious titles.  I think every relationship needs the period where you keep it simple, have fun, and let these days take you into the next phase naturally.

I'll keep you updated.

{a choice}

somewhere between heartaches and waiting,
comes the chance to be found
by someone who can show you
that you don't have to be just an option,
but the only choice

{M.I.A.}

I know… I know… but I’ve been a little incapacitated. 

After my week, or so, of frenziful dating I subconsciously whittled them down to just one.  And he’s the first one I met… the first one I liked… the first one to make me laugh… and the only one who didn’t have any red flags!  I am actually at a loss for words right now.  Part of me doesn’t want to jinx anything, part of me doesn’t know how to explain how at ease and excited I am at the same time, and part of me just wants to enjoy it for a bit before I try and define it.

So… if I go a little MIA for a while it is because I am Missing In Adoration.  <GROAN>  I know… that was pretty cheesy! (but true)  I like him… now I’m going to take the time to enjoy that.

{from stud to dud}

It is so disappointing when you feel like you have a connection with someone through all your emails or texting and then you meet them and that goes right out the door.  I had been emailing with this very hilarious guy and we had great witty banter going back and forth, I was so excited to meet him.  From the first meeting to the uninvited kiss, the night was very waaaahhhnnnttt waaaahhhnnnttt.  For someone who was so entertainingly funny he turned out to be a dud.  He was so expressionless all night long and even when he would ask questions as I would talk he showed no interest or response.  This is exactly why I say meet them as soon as possible, even really great emails can be deceiving.

So, I will say that it is a bit exciting to have a different date almost every night of this week.  The goal is to actually get to the second date, but even if you don’t get past the first, you at least aren’t wasting your time with just emails.  I have crossed off quite a few fish already and am happy to do so.  I am also surprised by the Tall fish who has been very consistent and with whom I have a date tonight.  This will actually be the third time we’ve hung out. He seems to be slow and steady and I am very comfortable with him.  We’ll see how this progresses.

{I'm cookin'}

If variety is the spice of life than I am cookin’ up something tasty!  On Sunday I met Tall Fish, last night I met PA Fish, and by chance also met Latin Fish.  Tonight I am meeting Blue Fish.  Why do I feel like Dr. Seuss?  I don’t feel like I am a serial dater (fisher, maybe) by doing this.  I feel like it is the best way to actually get to know these guys and find out if there is a connection.  I don’t want to waste their time or mine if emailing is all we are good at.

So, 1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish…

I will report back as to which is actually a catch!

{hopless realist... doesn't have the same ring to it}

I am trying to nail down the patterns that I am starting to see develop.  When your inbox is flooded by emails from people who you don’t know from Adam… it can get hard to keep a grip on reality.  Yes, it is complementary that there are people who are interested in you.  They have seen your pictures, they have read your blurb, and now they have this idea in their head as to who you are and what they like about you.  I also have to remind myself that I am on the other side of this spectrum too.  I am looking at these profiles and photos and trying to imagine who these guys are.  And that’s what you can’t loose track of; you have your own idea of who they are.  You have perceived things from a few photos and short words. 

I get excited when there is someone that I can email back and forth for a few days.  It is very nice that someone shows interest in me to continuously hold a conversation.  It is easy to lose yourself in this pseudo online relationship.  Then there are the ones you may be interested in that will email you but not hold a steady stream of contact.  And because we are human we will crave the attention of the one who isn’t giving it as freely.

I am thankful for the ones with back and forth conversations that hold my interest, and the fact that I am obviously holding his interest since he keeps the conversation going.  I cannot, however, let myself get lost in it.  I am starting to drift off to this area of thought where I feel like I know him, almost as if I have met him and have the feeling that I know everything about him.  Don… don… don… don… The comfort zone.  The comfort zone is great when you have actually met someone.  But don’t get lost in it when you simply emailing back and forth.  You will set yourself up for disappointment if you give into your imagination too much.  You want to stay as realistic (not pessimistic) as possible.  Keep your thoughts of him to what you absolutely know about him.  He’s tall.  He has brown hair.  His picture is attractive.  He has a dog.  He is an engineer.  He likes Mumford and Sons.  Keep it simple and embrace the facts.  So when you meet him all of the things that underlie those facts will come out and you will be surprised… and hopefully impressed.

As for those guys that don’t give you as much but you are still interested in knowing them; you end up being patient when it comes to their timeliness.  You are going to end up imagining so much more about them.  It is the case of wanting what you can’t have.  And you will start making excuses as to why it takes 5 days for him to answer your email.  You are going to exaggerate all of the good qualities you think you know about him.  You are going to imagine yourself with him so much more than the guy you are talking to every single day.  This is all superficial.  Yes, they may turn out to be a great guy who was just busy, but you have to recognize the obvious.  If a guy is returning your emails 10 minutes after you send them (every time)… he is interested in you.  If a guy is answering your emails every 5 days… something else is holding his interest.

My advice is this… keep your feet grounded in the reality of the situation while you let your imagination run wild.  Be hopeful, but be rational.  And for goodness sakes, meet them as soon as you can.

{ouch}

I got schooled.  One of the fishies emailed me and instead of a simple response I went and made up this generic, about me response to try and sell myself.  He totally called me out on it, said it sounded like a template to send to “all the boys in the yard.”  Wow, lesson learned!  I am glad to have the learning experiences; I just wish they weren’t with the guys that I think could be a really good match.  I am afraid that I misrepresented myself now.

Ok… no more template me (although I did send the same thing to several other guys too.)  Wrong bait!  No more fake plastic, glittery worms… only the real stuff from now on!

{gone fishing}

So…

I guess I went through online dating withdrawals…

Not really, but it was a bit depressing not to have options sent to your mailbox daily.  I think that aspect kept my hopes up.  I would still love to meet someone the old fashioned way, you know… like... while I’m grocery shopping... and we both reach for the same ripe tomato… or something like that.  But I like the idea of having a steady stream of possibilities without having to leave the house.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not holding myself up in my room.  But I can stay home and get things done and all the while have opportunities coming to my inbox… it is dating multitasking.

Since I didn’t have a good success rate with the whole harmonious dot come site, I was curious as to the things I’ve heard about this fishing one.  It’s free… that can’t be good.   You get what you pay for right?  Well, let’s just say I am testing the waters right now.  The good thing about fishing is... if they don’t measure up, you can always throw them back!  And so far I have a decent little fish tank going on.  I do feel like I still have control of the situation and can block those fish that are way too scaly and slimy.  There are definitely guys on there that have no intention of being caught; they just want to pull at your line.  I’ve been a single angler girl for so long, I can usually spot them a nautical mile away.

And on an amusing note… I have already seen an ex boyfriend, an old classmate, and a co-worker swim by.  I guess there really are plenty of fish in the sea.

{in the gut}

So my best advice for my friend who has ventured into the lovely world of online dating (and any of you who may be reading out there) is to go with your gut.  Follow your instincts.  I don’t know if I am the best person to be giving advice… seeing how I am not exactly successful in the dating realm.  But I do have a TON of experience now.  Hmm… wonder what my dating resume would look like.

I have come away from the dot com dates with a very good perspective and feel like I could lend a few words of encouragement (or warning) and stand behind them.  I do still feel like you have to jump in, have faith, give people a chance… but over all, listen to your inner voice.  The one that makes the first judgments when you meet someone, the one that tells you this or that is a red flag, and the one that says you can do better.  And while I think it is a good thing to give someone a chance to show you who they are, I think you need to ignore that other inner voice that says “but you’re lonely”, or “maybe he’s just fill in the blank.”  Do not make excuses for someone you do not know.  Do not make him out to be the person you want him to be in your head.  Give him a chance, let him show you himself, and if your gut chimes in… listen to it.

So, I have had two dates since I have last posted.  One was with You’ve Got Mail and the other was with To Russia with Love.  And if I’m following my own advice, I’d say that neither of them will be sounding off any bells and whistles.  I would give To Russia with Love a shot though.  We had a very short, standard lunch date and I don’t feel like I got a good register of him.  So we will see if he calls for a second date.  I got the standard “we should do this again” farewell.  We’ll see… what do you think gut?

I am still holding out hope for The Biologist… I would really like to meet him and confirm the idea I have of him in my head.  I am afraid that he may have fallen into the pit of being matched with someone newer and shinier.  I hope not… he has been the one who has peeked my interest the most.

{Who knew?}

Nothing new… (no news to share)

Just waiting on two… (still talking to The Biologist and To Russia With Love)

I’m through… (ended my membership online)

What’s a girl to do? (let fate take over)

{End of an Era}

I finally remembered to cancel my membership to we-match-millions.com and I feel relieved.  I feel like I need a break from it all and maybe in doing that things will just work themselves out.  It was a good run and a good experience and I do still have the remaining four… well, we’ll call it three now.

To Russia with Love…

You’ve Got Mail…

The Biologist…

Honestly, I put The Biologist in the running for first seat.  I get the sense that our personalities match up the best.  I don’t think I have a good feel for the other two yet.  So, I am not counting them out.

It looks like I may have a week full of first meetings next week…. We’ll see…

In case you’re on the edge of your seat wondering what happened to Dr. Root Canal.  I have a feeling he flaked out.  We agreed to get together after we both returned home from traveling over the 4^th and I texted him to ask how his trip was and got no response.  So… I’m chalking that up to a no go.  Eh, it makes it easier to find the right one… process of elimination.

On a side note, a friend of mine asked me to dinner (I mentioned him about a month or so ago, stating that if I were going to get serious about someone I needed to do some clean up and stop spending my time with the guys who were purely convenient.)  Well, out of the blue he asks me if I wanted to have dinner and catch up.  This is very interesting… I think we have shared maybe 5 meals in the last 5 years that we have been friends.  Our relationship consisted of emails, texts, running into each other here and there and hanging out every once in a blue moon but always keeping in touch.  I think out of sheer curiosity I have accepted his dinner invite for tonight.  We will see how this goes…

So, come July 24^th my delivery of dating matches is going to be left up to fate, destiny, and fortune.  I hope they do a better job than the dot com.

{So...}

Here we go again…

I am trying to sequester my hopefulness.  But should I?  With all the ups and downs and ups and downs I am still so very hopeful and believe that one of them will stick… someday!  I feel like I am right back in the saddle again, except I am not going to do the whole Dating Dozen.  That’s just too much to handle and keep track of.  Right now I am learning to juggle with four.  And I have a feeling that may drop to three or even two very soon.

Let’s see… there is Dr. Root Canal, To Russia with Love, The Biologist, and You’ve Got Mail.  And personally…. Wait… what am I talking about “personally”, of course it is personal, this is all about me isn’t it? Ok… honestly… I think that The Biologist is on the top of the list.  But I am going off of one really great email.  I get this feeling that he is the best fit for me.  I like the similarities of his family and mine.  I like that he is an outdoorsy guy.  I like that he would fit in very well with my friends and my family. 

So… here we go again.  I am trying not to get excited and go through the same motions all over again.  But shouldn’t I get excited if that’s what I am?  Am I naïve if I let this happen over and over again or is that the nature of dating?  I want to be thankful that I have this opportunity again.  I want to be happy that there is someone that makes me hopeful still.  I don’t want to dwell on all the times that didn’t work out.  I choose to be the Pollyanna of the dating world. (I wonder how many people will get that reference)

So… here we go again.  Maybe bachelor number 1,004 will be the one.   

{Takin’ a break}

I have decided to take a break from the pursuit of coupledom.  If it happens, it happens.  I will continue to keep my eyes and my heart open, but I will not be obsessing over it, thinking of it every single moment, and wonder when, when, when it will come to me.  I am going to get things in order for myself, spend time with friends, and let it be.

Let it be… perfect sentiment! 

Speaking words of wisdom… let it be!

I have a couple of last feelers out from the we-match-for-you-harmoniously… I will see where they go.  And I will continue to sift through the matches of this last month and then I think I will freeze my membership.  It has gotten daunting and I am burnt out.  I think I have just as good of a chance meeting a stranger on the street than I do online.  I mean with being matched with over 1,000 people and only meeting 4…

Maybe I should do a study… say “hello” to a 1,000 guys and see if 4 ask me out.  Ha!

Nah… let it be!

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer, let it be.

{Back to the Dating Board??}

Here I go again… back to actually paying attention to the ever so daunting online dating matches.  I shouldn’t sound so forlorn about it.  I should be excited for the possibilities.  But in all honesty, it is a bit discouraging when try after try does not work out.  I do not want to count out The Smile completely, but I have to think that if for two weekends in a row he makes no attempt at seeing me, then he must not be that interested.  It’s sad because he still makes me smile, I guess the idea of him makes me smile… but I need the reality.  I need a REAL boyfriend, one who wants to spend time with me.

It does make me wonder what I do to drive them away… can I chalk it up to opening up too much too soon?  Not staying mysterious?  Or is it a factor of the online dating community where he is constantly given new matches (as am I)?  Well, I guess I just go back to the dating board!

I have two matches that I have been communicating with.  One has called me and he seems like a great guy and we have had a really good 3 hour conversation.  However, he is traveling and I am traveling and we will not be able to meet up for a few weeks… We will name him Dr. Root Canal (I’m sure that will make some of you cringe… but hey… it’s what he does.)

There is another match that I need to email back… we shall dub him To Russia With Love.  I am a little reluctant because he only has one picture on his profile and I have a little hang up about that.  If you cannot come up with at least three pictures of yourself then it makes me wonder a bit.  Do you not have good friends or have good times where cameras are involved?  In your 30 some odd years (preferably in the last year or two) do you not have more than one picture of yourself that you care for?  I am picky about photos myself, but I will find ones that represent who I am so that I can give the right impression.

Any who…

We will see where things go with Dr. Root Canal and To Russia With Love.  Ha… I have so much fun making up these names… maybe I should stick around the online dating for the giggles.

{gut feelings or OCD?}

What is the difference between over analyzing and intuition?  When you are dating someone and you start thinking “maybe he’s not that into me because he hasn’t made an effort to see me when I know he doesn’t have other plans”… is this over analyzing or is it intuition kicking in to prepare you… and if you concentrate on it will it become a self fulfilled prophecy? 

When I am in relationships I can handle my heart… I can let it go, feel all it wants, and even if it gets hurt, I can handle that too.  What I can’t handle is my head.  How can I turn off the constant thought?  And should I?  I have always had accurate gut feelings and when I get to the point I start thinking things that involve my gut I should go ahead and call it quits.  But again, can it be self fulfilling?  Is that my defense mechanism or some sort of OCD? 

Will there be someone who comes along and just wipes all of it away?  Will my thoughts and concerns finally be reduced to how much I like him or how much I LIKE him?  I never want to be blind sided and I can see the security in being aware, but I think I would like some sort of balance of being blissfully unaware and being content.  Someday… right?

{the ga ga phase}

Ok… so maybe I have read too many self help books and over think situations too much, but I wonder how you are supposed to know who the elusive “one” is???  I think by the time I actually admit that I like someone and I am excited to spend time with them… which is actually rare, or at least not at a high ratio to the number of guys that I’ve met… when I have come to the point where I will admit I like them, that I am willing to be vulnerable with my feelings it seems that if I can continually spend time with them my feelings will get stronger and I will get to the whole ga ga phase (and not Lady Gaga…that’s a whole other phase all together.)  But… at the same time, if I open myself up to someone and admit to my feelings and things kind of pan off, we don’t spend a lot of time together, etc… I just chalk it up to them not being the “one”.  Am I supposed to let go of it that easily?

I have been lead to believe that if he wanted to be with me he would be making every effort to want to spend as much time as possible with me.  But where is the give and take?  If I don’t make the effort and he doesn’t make the effort… then do we let a rare find of compatibility just slip away?  Is it because one is waiting for confirmation from the other, do both of us over think things and not want to come across too needy?  Ugh!  Maybe I should be a hermit.  Maybe I should get two more cats and be the creepy single girl with too many cats. 

**on a side note… I saw a car the other day with those stick people stickers on the back of it and it was a girl stick person with four stick figure cats… who would advertise that???

… ok… so back to the matter at hand… should I assume that if he isn’t making consistent plans to see me then he isn’t that interested?  Has the excitement subsided?  Or do I suck up the pride and actually call him, see what he’s been up to?  Grrr…. Dating ain’t for sissies!!!!

{Here I am…}

I have been MIA lately… and sadly I don’t really have anything exciting to blame it on.  I have gotten very lackadaisical about keeping up with the online pursuit.  I practically stopped when I met The Smile.  And since I continue to enjoy his company and getting to know him, I lack the energy to keep up with the dot com matches.  I was going to cancel my membership all together last month, but I forgot to and have already been charged for the following month.  I think I will give it a look and overview what I have been ignoring to make the decision to keep going or to put the brakes on it and see where The Smile leads me.

On the subject of The Smile…

I like him… I like him a lot.

He is very easy to be around and is the happiest person I have ever met.  He laughs at everything.

I think we have our differences… but we also have a lot of similarities and appreciate a lot of the same things.

I like his relationship with his family and can imagine they would like me.

I think that my family would like him… he is easily likeable.

He is… well… easy to look at.

His friends (the ones that I have met) were very accepting of me.

But on the flip side:

I want to know how he would handle tough situations.

I want to know what he is like outside of the relaxed atmosphere we have been in.

I want to know his strengths and see his weaknesses.

I want to know how he would handle me being upset.

And… I really, really want to change him…

Ok… not him… his shoes!  I am NOT a fan of those hippie sandals.  I hate that my brother wears them, I frown when I see other people wear them.  They may have a good purpose, or great function… but I do NOT like them Sam I Am… GUYS: If you are reading this… get yourself a decent pair of flip flops… they are 100x better than any other sandal type footwear made for men.  There is never a time or place that calls for strappy sandals unless you are going to…. NOPE… can’t even think of one instance. Flip Flops, they are the casual way to go. 

{No ifs, ands, or RUTS about it}

Yes… I’m still alive…

I know I haven’t written in a while… and honestly, I don’t have much to write about.  I have not been so active in the dating scene lately.  Although, I am up to date number FIVE with The Smile.  He was going away for a long weekend so we met for a quick drink to watch the sunset.  It was a beautiful evening and nice to watch it from the rooftop.  AND… he was so very sweet and brought me a birthday present since he was going to miss my birthday over the weekend.  AND… he was even more sweet to give me Jenga.  It was the game we played on our first date.  SO…. Quadruple brownie points for him for being thoughtful and sentimental!!!!

Now… I want things to get going.  I want to feel like this is a relationship more than just a date here or there.  Things need to pick up a little more.  I am not complaining, I just think that relationships should develop at certain paces or things get stale and then you get stuck in a rut.  I don’t want any ruts anymore. 

{Excitement…}

Maybe I need to break out the ol’ thhhhesaurus and update my library of words to explain my excitement.

How about…

Enthusiasm

Thrill

Exhilaration

Anticipation

Eagerness

Expectation

Elation

Jubilation

I can go on and on and on…

I am very EXCITED to have another date (number 4) planned for this Friday with The Smile!  I think the anticipation of the 4 days between now and then is bittersweet.  I like looking forward to it… but at the same time I want to see him… I want to spend as much time as possible with him to affirm these feelings that I feel when I am away from him.  I tend to daydream… a lot.  And I don’t want to get carried away by my own imagination.  I have very solid affirmation from the time we have spent together so far, but not seeing him for 9 days will get to me.  Especially with the way this lovely online dating scene has treated me in the past.  I wholeheartedly do not think that he is spending his time fitting in as many dates with other internet gals as he can.  I honestly don’t even think he pays too much attention to it (I hope.)  I, myself, kind of have a snobbish look at my matches now.  They have a lot to overcome to get my attention.  I am deleting left and right with absolutely no remorse and I haven’t answered any requests for communication in weeks.  So…

I am EXCITED with the way things are going,  No rush, just a yearning to see him more and get to know him better and spend time together and share experiences with him and…

Ok… you get the picture.  I’m EXCITED!

{a little clean up is in order}

So…

I had a couple of revelations last night.  I was at a concert in the park with friends and wanted so badly to share the experience with The Smile… I missed him.  Knowing I wont see him this weekend made me realize that I will (and do) miss him.  I have an attachment already.  Which I like.  It is good when this little realization sneaks up on me and slaps me in the face saying “hey you… guess what?  You really DO like him.”  That’s just about the time when the next one says “uh… oh… you really DO like him.”

My other realization was that I need to wrap up some of my casual relationships.  Now, don’t get THAT idea… by casual I mean the friendships I have had with other guys that are great and have been fun, but they won’t work if I want to be serious about The Smile.  I talked with one of my friends last night with whom I have been friends with for the last five years, but we only see each other when it is convenient.  I spoke up for myself and what I think and where I feel like I am right now… and to my surprise it was accepted well.  I think that I need to take a step back from my habits and take a look at how I spend my time and with whom.  I have a lot of great friends and I keep myself busy spending time with them all.  But the main reason I do this is because I don’t want to be home alone when the sucky loneliness sinks in.  I think at this point I may need a little bit of lonely time to actually get things done for me.  My thirty-something (again) birthday is fastly approaching and I think that 32 (there I said it) will need to be an awakening year.  I think it could be my best year yet and I feel like it is time that my dreams come true.  I think by putting myself out there with the whole dating scene has been a big step to having my life move in the direction that I want it to.

So my revelations are… I like him… I really do.  And… I need to sweep away the casual and convenient to make room for the serious and sincere.

{think... think... think...}

I have had a tendency to over think relationships or situations in the past.  While I do think it is good to recognize your feelings and to enjoy the thoughts that those feelings stir up, I need to make sure I don’t psych myself out, or make things out of nothing.  I don’t want to make myself analyze things just so I can have something to post on my blog, but I do want to share how I am feeling and what is going on.

As for now, I am excited.  I am very excited to get to know The Smile more and more and more.  And I feel exceptionally comfortable with him.  It is very easy for us to just go on and on and on about anything.  I like that we can joke and tease about things already and that there really haven’t been too many boundaries on our conversations.  There has been no “hmm, if I say this, what will he think of me.”  I like that I feel that I am very much my true self with him and I honestly think he sees me for who I am.  Now, mind you, we have only hung out together twice so far.  However, this last time was a good 8.5 hours long and 99% of that was spent talking and laughing and telling stories.

So… my sentiment for right now is EXCITEMENT!  Excitement about what I know so far.  Excitement for what I can’t wait to learn.  Excitement for the possibility of something really great!!!

{A major feat}

This just in…

Yes, Osama is dead… but in even bigger news…

I made it to a second date.  And even have plans for a third!!!

And everything is as it should be.  Great conversations, an amazing comfort level, a good amount of joking around.  But my favorite is the casual mentions of future events.  Oh… and the sweet first kiss!!!

I am so happy to embrace this feeling of excitement.  I am so very excited for the process of getting to know him.  And he is so receptive to me and gives me the feeling that he is very interested in me, which is such a great realization.  It seems so common sense, but it has been very rare for me, to be in that situation where you both are equally interested in each other and excited for what is to come.  That is exactly where I am right now, very excited for what may come.

Yay for second dates…and thirds… and fourths… and hopefully more than you’ll want me to count (but I probably still will.)

{wow...}

Really wow…

I mean wow…

I don’t know how else to write it, say it, describe it.  But I had an amazing time last night.  The most comfortable, most fun, most laughable, most fun, most… did I say fun… first date.  The Smile has put a smile in my soul!  He is everything I expected and YAY! for more!!!! 

This is actually a hard post.  I don’t know how to gush.  I don’t know if I should gush yet.  I feel like I want to be as gushy, gushy as possible because I am so EXCITED about him.  But this makes me vulnerable.  Do I play it safe, even in the blogosphere, and keep calm or do I allow myself to be excited and shout it from the virtual web rooftops?  Do I get to actually allow myself to have these feelings, to enjoy these feelings even if it means being vulnerable and open to hurt?  YES.  Yes, I do.  I am owning up to them.  Guess what world wide web?  I am giddy.  I am thrilled.  I am ALL smiles.  I am so very, very EXCITED about this.  I cannot wait to see where it takes me.  My imagination is already running wild.  So here I am… running away with it and letting myself be more than hopeful… I have moved up a step to excitement!  And come hurt or vulnerability, I am going to still enjoy these feelings!

And on a side note...   ppppffffffffftttttttttttttttt to those who flaked out on me after the first date (or even before.)  You couldn’t top the feeling of excitement I have right now if you wanted to!

{burnout…}

I think I have gotten into an online dating slump.  I am burnt out on the millions of matches and no results.  It is a little disappointing when you realize that you have had over 600 guys come across your path and you have only met 3 of them.  And 2 out of those 3 both said they were interested in getting together again, only to flake out and never call.  The one thing I can say about online dating vs run-of-the-mill dating is that with online dating the guys are juggling many other options and with your standard meet-someone-in-a-bar-or-through-friends dating those guys usually only have you as an option.  I just hope that someday I will be the only option, or at least the favorite option.

There is a little good news to my gloom.  I finally got to talk to The Smile!!!  He is my favorite option!  He has been from the day I was matched with him and even though it has been a long slow process for us to get to actual communication he is still worth it.  I can’t wait to meet him (which will hopefully happen tomorrow.)  And I hope all of my expectations that I have conjured up in my mind come true.  I think he is the one who will get me the most, who would fit into my lifestyle, who would enjoy meeting and visiting my family, and so on and so on…

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he is the solution to this online dating slump.  I am hoping that he can be the reason I can sign off of it for good!

{it continues}

Saw a dolphin on the way home from work yesterday (which the Romans and many other cultures consider very lucky)...

And The Smile emailed me again last night...

He asked for my number...

Yay, some progress!

BUT...

I haven't heard from The Bostonian since our date on Sunday.  The last communication was him going on about meeting up again...  It is always nerve racking... the time between a first date and a second date, especially if the first date went so well.  And with the nature of online dating there could be better offers coming in everyday.  This isn't the easiest situation, but it is still better than the alternative of having to find them on your own.  I am still hopeful that this process will come to an end soon... and it will have a happy ending!

{lucky streak}

A lucky lady bug landed on me last night...

And The Smile emailed me this morning!

I'm liking this lucky streak...

Let's see where it takes me.

{lucky me}

I had a date… I had a date… I had a date… La La La La!

And a GREAT date at that!!!  I think we have a new front runner my friends.  The Bostonian has soared past The Smile.  I have loved how spontaneous our meeting has been, starting with his forward email to bypass the “guided communication” and then an impromptu-ish date that happened to fit into our weekend.  It was all a bit unexpected and amazing.  The best part of it was that it all just felt good.  I wasn’t nervous, and I feel extremely comfortable with him.  We had drinks and then went for dinner.  And all of it seemed to just flow so naturally, no awkwardness at all.  He was easy to talk to (and I didn’t even talk too, too much), we had an engaged conversation all night.  I had an amazing time, did I already say that?  I had an amazing time!  And we talked about doing it again.  I can’t wait to hear from him and set it all up!  Yay for a date (finally) and a GREAT one!

Did I mention that I found a four leaf clover right before my date?  I was doing laundry and found it outside and… AND… I also found money in the dryer after my laundry.  I am thinking my luck has turned around!

{speak up}

I think I have learned a valuable life lesson.  “Always wear clean underwear!” NO, not that one… although it should be a given!  And I’d like to upgrade it to be “Life is too short to wear boring underwear.”  Ok, enough kidding aside… I have learned to speak up.  And not even in the out loud sense.  I have seen a pattern in instances where I am blue, or worried, or nervous, or what-have-you where I will spend a day or two fretting about it mulling it over, letting my feelings get amplified, getting really down in the dumps, and all without saying a word about it.  I have found that when I express my feelings, whether it be talking to someone, writing about it on here, or even just giving myself a moment to actually sit down and define the feelings I am having, I find that things get resolved much faster.  Even when there isn’t a specific problem, per say, things tend to always look up after I explain my situation to someone.  For instance, the other day when I was so blue and was complaining about my crazy roller coaster ride being all down hill lately… well, the day after I posted that I got emails from a few of the Dozen.  And even now as I write this I have received an invite to meet one of the newbies… The Bostonian! (more on him later) So here is my little mantra from now on… Speak Up!!!  I will now resort to blabbing on here about matters that bother me or bring me down.  I will admit to them and try to explain them… and with any luck in my new hypothesis… things will start to look up.

So… The Bostonian.  He is the newest addition to the Dating Dozen… I think he has successfully secured the vacant spot in the lineup.  He burst onto the scene without apologies.  He was very bold and forwent the “guided communication” process by sending me a very confident, admiring, and humorous email.  I really enjoyed the fact that he liked my profile so much that he wanted to bypass the back and forth.  It was nice that he pointed out the things that caught his eye and he even had the chutzpah to make fun of my spelling mistakes.  He was still open to answering questions and now we have moved past the dating site email to our personal emails… which again gives me the opportunity to Google!!!  And I have to say… he has a FUN last name.  So BRAVO to him for being forward in a good way and for being on track...  it only took his third email to ask to meet up.

{wishin' and hopin' and thinkin'}

Well, my little cloud has lifted!  And my single girl roller coaster is on the UP!  The Smile emailed me last night… a nice, long email.  And so did the cajun cutie!  Plus a new one in the works.  I would love to dish and gush about it all, but I am wondering just how much to reveal on this superhighway of information for the entire world to see.  I think that the point of this blog is to record my journey through singledom and not necessarily tell everyone everything about all of those involved. 

So… lets just say…. YIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEE!  I am so glad that this process is still chugging along and hope that it results in an actual date soon.  I haven’t had a date since Mr. Fish. 

Being paired with HUNDREDS of guys has only resulted in 1 date and 1 meeting in the last 2 months.  I wonder if people going into this process think it is going to produce immediate results.  I have to say, I did the online dating thing once before and only for a few weeks.  I got to the emailing stage and phone conversations pretty quickly with a handful of guys, but I only met one of them.  I ended up dating the one guy I met for about a month, which resulted in me ending my membership early.  The same kind of thing happened when I joined again.  The first week or so you seem to get the good matches and communication comes smoothly.  But things get hung up and some of those people you thought were on the path to an actual date seem to drop off the face of the earth.  You do have to keep in mind that they too are getting new matches every day and talking with several people at once.  So it is still a big gamble.  It is interesting to think that when you are matched with over 400 people in a two month period that it is still very hard to find someone.  All of the stars have to align just right… you have to write enough in your profile to represent yourself well, you have to have the right photographs, you have to answer his questions correctly, and you have to keep up with it all without seeming too eager.  And all of this while hoping there isn’t someone else who he gets matched with that catches his eye and interest more than you.  It is all just a big roll of the dice… but you are putting yourself out there more than you would if you were doing it all on your own.

Ok… sorry… it is mind-blowing… I have had over 400 matches come through my inbox.  Can you imagine that… a line up of 400 guys?  Talk about pick of the litter.  And here I am still wishin’ and hopin’ and  thinkin’ and prayin’… plannin’ and dreamin’… ok, enough Dionne Warwick.  But still, it is pretty crazy that out of 400 guys I have had only 1 date.  But, I do not want to just date for dating’s sake.  I want to connect with someone and I think that is still out there.  I think there are still great possibilities in the Dating Dozen. 

'Cau-au-ause, you won't get him

Thinkin' and a-prayin'

Wishin' and a-hopin'

'Cause wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'

Plannin' and dreamin' his kisses will star-art

That won't get you into his heart...

{I need a BOOST}

blah!

I am in a dating funk.  I feel discouraged and disappointed.  I don't want to entertain these feelings or give them any more worth than I already have.  I have this vivid comic book scene playing out in my mind where the evil villains, Dis Courage and Dis Appointment, are trying to get me.  But with a little <POW> here and a few <BAM>s there… I am thinking I can defeat them.  Although, I might need Blind Faith to come save the day!

Ok… enough of my silly imagination. 

I actually enjoyed my weekend… had a picnic and concert in the park, had a nice dinner, got to see an old high school friend, and even got to enjoy a bit of the beach.  As much fun as I was having I came to the realization that I needed to get myself out of relaxation mode and get my tushie in gear with the loooooong list of chores I had at home.  So, Sunday I spend some good time working around the house… and in between the laundry, sweeping, unpacking, dishes, and all the other not-so-fun-but-necessary stuff it hit me like a slap in the face.  Loneliness.  It tends to creep in on me on Sundays for some reason.  Probably because I keep myself busy most other days, but it sure does sneak in.  And it is just this wave that comes over me… thank goodness I wasn’t hormonal or I would’ve had to mop the floors over.  I don’t want to sound pathetic or unstable… but even the best of us get down.  And I am here to say that it is hard… it is hard to go to baby showers.  It is hard to hear the happy news of your friend’s recent engagement.  It is hard to see blissful, sweet couples.  But through it all I have this underlying belief that it will happen.  Sometimes that belief is so faint that it is hard to detect, but I feel like I have to hold onto something.  So, on this roller coaster ride that is the single girl’s life… I am at that dip in the tracks… hopefully it will go up hill soon… heck, I could even go for being thrown for a loop right now.  I do not want to fall into the bitter or cynical side of singledom.  I find myself being envious of my friends and even strangers around me.  But when it goes from “aww, how sweet, I want that” to “why do they get it and I don’t”, I know it’s time to check the mirror and make sure my blue eyes haven’t turned green.  Jealousy don’t look good on anyone!  So… here’s to kicking Dis Courage and Dis Appointment’s butts… and here’s to staying a blue eyed girl.  Maybe I should go listen to Michael Bublé’s “Just Haven’t Met You Yet.”  Yeah… that sounds like a plan.

{lady luck}

One of my best friends just got engaged… Yay!!! 

And while I am extremely thrilled for her, it hurts my heart at the same time.  I shared the great news with my mom and she said something that has struck a chord.  She said, “wow… lucky her.”  Lucky her.  Is that what it is?  Luck?  Am I just plagued with bad luck?  On some extent I can believe that luck plays a role.  I do not think my friend is lucky that someone asked her to marry her.  She ought to have it, they both should.  They have a great relationship that they put a lot of time and effort into making it great.  They deserve to get married.  I do however think she is lucky to have him.  Not in the sense of “wow, how’d she get him,” but that she deserves it, him, the relationship, to be happy and to be in love.  She is lucky to have found him.  That’s the part that I feel like is out of my hands.  If I never believed in a higher power before, dating sure as hell makes me believe it now.  I feel as if I can put myself out there and do a lot of work to try and find someone, but it is LUCK to come across that one person who fits the bill. 

Now, I am not a picky person, I have standards and preferences, but it all boils down to a feeling, to the chemistry.  I have had a lot of great “almosts”.  And there are a lot of amazing people who are now my exes.  But I haven’t found that one person who, as cliché and corny as it is, completes me.  (I do wish Tom Cruise wouldn’t have ruined that cliché because it is so true)  There has to be someone out there who will make me feel complete.  I am perfectly capable of living my life on my own; I have great friends and a wonderful family.  I feel very loved by all of them, but there is a void.  There is an emptiness that I want someone to fill.  All of the things that I want in my life start with that one perfect for me person.  Yes, I could have kids and a house and bla bla bla all by myself, but I want a partnership.  I want to feel the love of someone who has chosen to love me, who wants me, who actually thinks I am the most important person on this planet.  And I want so much to give that in return.  I want to know what it is like to truly be in love.  I don’t know what a loving relationship is like.  I have been in love but it has been one-sided and I was young.  If I were in that same relationship at my age now it wouldn’t have lasted 4 years, hell, it wouldn’t have lasted 4 months.  But I needed to learn from that as I needed to learn from every wrong relationship I have had.  Consider me schooled… you hear that universe?  I have learned my lessons… I am ready for the real thing!  Please! 

Maybe I need to start being superstitious and carry every good luck charm I can think of.  The funny thing is that I have always had a slight obsession with good luck charms.  I am not a superstitious person but I love the idea of charms bringing you luck.  I like the lore of them and it makes me feel the same as using my grandmother’s bowl to put strawberries in just as she always did.  They are steeped in tradition, isn’t that what superstition really is?  The belief in the tradition of good luck?  I guess I better stock up on horseshoes and clovers because I need all the luck I can get!!!  I want to be lucky in love!!!

{denied}

So... I was going through my matches last night and closing out archived ones that I haven't communicated with and I came across 3 or 4 that closed me out.  There were ones who we started communication that closed me out (must not have liked my answers) and there were those who just closed me out automatically (must not of liked me AT ALL)... but instead of feeling rejected it made me feel better for when I close out guys that I don't think are a good match.  Ahh... the circle of dating life.  One thing that caught my eye though was that The Greek closed me out.  Now... am I to think that he decided against me after we met or that he closed me out as a way of organizing his matches???  He did text me quite a few times since we have met and I recently texted him when I got back from vacation and got a quick reply from him... so.... I guess we will see if he contacts me anytime soon.  Stay tuned to As The Dating World Turns...

{off track}

Ahhh... I think I have gotten a bit off track.  I need to consult my spreadsheet... YES SPREADSHEET... to see where I am with all of this match up craziness.  The fact that I get 7 matches a day keeps this online dating thing a constant chore.  But, I am optimistic that it will result in something good... scratch that... something GRRRRRREAT!!! <---channeling a little Tony the Tiger there.


Ok... so I should at least focus on the Dating Dozen...


The Smile: <swoon> I emailed him yesterday... he usually takes a few days to get back to me... I wait...


Ray of Sunshine: I responded to his email 2 weeks ago... and no reply from him... hmmmm... and he was a favorite... well, that's the nature of the online dating game I guess... I may hold out hope for another week or so for him.


Cajun Cutie: I emailed him today... I had been out of touch since my race and vacation... I am hoping he will take the initiative and ask me out so we can finally meet.


Angry Birds: I think he has flown the coop... I saw him out at a bar and I am pretty sure he saw me but wasn't interested in leaving the people he was with to talk to me... I think he is going in the Acquaintance Atrium and off the Dating Dozen list.


The Greek:  Met him before I left for my race/vacation.  I was glad to recognize that his profile (pictures and descriptions) were very accurate in person.  It was a very casual meeting and I was with a friend, so I am still interested to see how a one on one situation would go.  Texting has resumed.


Georgia on my Mind: He emailed me before my race/vacation and I hadn't responded.  I just emailed him now and am happy to be back in touch.  Another one that I hope will grab the reins and set up a date soon.  I guess I could suggest it, but I like to be a bit old fashioned and wait for the guy to give it a go.  But, if they need a bit of a push sometimes, I will jump in.


Military Man:  I answered the Military Man's open-ended questions and sent him mine... this was 13 days ago (according to my little online elf)... I'm wondering if I didn't make it through Basic???


The Steeler:  The Steeler sent me email... I have procrastinated with him.  I can't remember if we actually went through the entire questiony questiony process... I'll have to look on my computer (since my app don't do that.)  I could just answer his email... but I am a little if-y about  him.  He seems nice and normal, but I wonder if we will connect.


The Guru:  I think I ruled out The Guru when I got more interesting matches... he kind of fell by the wayside and I think he many have a replacement soon enough.


The Old Guy:  Same thing for the old guy... honestly... I can't even remember which one he is.  I could go back and look, but that should tell me something if I wasn't impressed enough to remember him. Eh... there are more new matches daily... a few cuties from yesterday and today may be moving in.


The Nose: Hmm... I am still wishy-washy about him too... can you tell I have favorites and fillers?  But I do want to give the fillers a chance, especially is some of the favorites are dropping off the face of the dating earth.


The Prez:  He was a new one that was to replace Mr. Fish... I still haven't responded to his communication.  Guess I will reevaluate my matches and see if he makes the cut... sheesh... I feel like an employer interviewing for a single open position... but I guess that is what this is.


I tell you what, I never thought I would be 31(ish) and interviewing for the position of the love of my life.  I guess it comes differently for everyone.  I can only imagine if i were to have settled for any of my "almosts" what my life would be like.  I may have been able to have a wedding and possibly the family I want, but I do not believe I would be happy.  So, here I am... searching... hoping... and saying {hello} to a lot of new people.