{who said it was going to be easy?}

blah...

just blah...

Why is it that I meet a guy who will, without a doubt, be an amazing, doting boyfriend...  who is a super nice guy... who adores me already...  and who actually wants a serious, committed relationship.. and I can't stand him?  That sounds harsh, but it is completely true.  He is too nice, too smart, too awkward, just too TOO.  I am having a dating identity crisis here.  On paper, he is amazing... but when i talk to him I roll my eyes at things that he says.  I even had the friends meet him and give their opinion.  Really I wanted to make sure I am not crazy.  And their assessment is... he's great... he's super nice... he's really smart... and he really likes you... BUT... he's too much.

I feel like Dating-locks and the Three Bears... one is tooo nice, the other isn't nice enough... where is the "juuuuuuuuuuust right one"?

{day ???}

So... apparently I am horrible at diets... dating diets at least.  I broke my pact and had a date last night.  It was very nice, very simple, very long.  We just had dinner, but ended up being the last people at the restaurant.  We talked for 5 hours... non-stop.  My throat hurt this morning from talking so much... and yes... i actually let him get a word in edgewise.  He is nice, and seems like a normal guy.  We shared a lot of the same opinions.  I like that he is a couple of years older than me and seems to have everything in line.  I think we will keep this one around and see where it goes.  No second date scheduled yet, but he did text me a little message this morning.

We shall see...

{day 1}

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

Where I am… where am I?  I am in a rut.  I am neither happy, nor sad.  I feel a need for change.  Not major change, but improvement.  On that note, I found this quote tonight:

Today I want you to ask yourself this one question, “Why not you?”  Why not you to do something for work that you love?  Why not you to have a healthy body? Why not you to have healthy love?  Why not you to be, have, or do anything you have ever dreamed?  We are so quick to think others are deserving over ourselves.  The truth is that we are all deserving.  So why not you? ~Jillian Michaels

Sometimes I feel like I need my own personal Jillian to hold me accountable.  Why can’t my will power be Jillian re-incarnated?  Is it re-incarnation when it is not an actual being?  I digress… I’m going to start using Jillian as a verb.  Time to Jillian up this situation.  I need a Jillian Cricket on my shoulder.

Ok Jillian… I’m buying it.  Why not me?

I deserve to be happy with myself, my life, my habits, and my relationships.

So… Day 1:  I keep thinking that I didn’t do much.  In fact I feel like I failed on the nutritional side of my “DIET.”  However, I did get things done around the house and I tackled the mountain of laundry.  I also put a halt on the dating scene by telling a couple of suitors that I had plans through the weekend.

So, in retrospect, Day 1 was a good start.  Let’s see how Day 2 will go…

{trimming down}

I’m going on a dating diet for one week.  I am going to only concentrate on me for one whole week.  I am going to get things done on my “to do” list.  I am going to improve my habits.  And I am going to be in the company of only my friends, neighbors, and cats for one week.  And at the end of this week I am going to assess my situation.  I am going to see what is important to me.  And during this time I am going on a financial diet, as well as a nutritional diet.  One week… seven days… Doesn’t sound hard does it?

{woosaw}

I am having a moment of crazy...

I am right to listen to my gut....

But I have also come to the realization that I try way to hard to rescue things or prove myself...

Woooooosaw...

I need a new perspective...

I need to step back...

I need a nap (no a hibernation)...

Ok, here is my declaration... In November I will concentrate on myself.  I will do things that benefit me.  I will find a way to make myself happy without needing others to be the source of it.

How the heck am I going to do that?

Step one:  Start running again!

{uh oh}

I know I have said in past posts that I always feel better and things seem to get better when I voice my concerns…

Well, here hoping…

I got a bit of a shock to the system last week, and by system I mean that emotional system that I try and keep a wall up around (well maybe a fence.)  Tall fish told me he was going out of town for work again.  No big deal right?  Well he told me he was going to be gone for two weeks come home for two days and then leave again for two weeks.  Ouch!  My heart sank the moment he told me this.  This sucks!  A month without him?  I actually felt tears welling up and I pouted like a 2-year old who had his toys taken away.  But in those moments I realized what I was feeling.  Feelings!  I not only care for him but I care about him; not that I didn’t know this before, I just hadn’t had that slap in the face realization until then.  I really do care about him.  I really do want something serious with him.  I really do miss him when he is gone.  I am now really, really scared!

I am not afraid of relationships.  I am not afraid of him in anyway.  I am however afraid of being hurt because I now know that this will hurt if something happens.  And now I am a little worried that he has withdrawn a bit.  I can’t think of anything I have done to make this happen.  I think I am just getting the “oh crap” feelings that make me worry about every little itty bitty thing.  I have had a long week with a lot going on, so things are definitely a little off.  I am hoping that it is the same on his end, that this week has just been a crazy one.

Oh, and on a side note, he doesn’t have to be gone the whole month.  He was just kidding with me.  He was gone over night a couple of days ago and will leave again in a week.  I am praying to the relationship Gods that I am just being a silly girl who has realized that there is a lot at stake here.  I want to keep things in perspective too.  We have only been dating for just over two months.  It is good that I am realizing what this means to me, but I do believe it is still early in the game to freak out about little itty bitty details.  Here’s hoping I have plenty of time to analyze and freak out about our relationship later (kidding.)

{i'm baaaaaaaaaaack...}

I know I have been seriously missing in action lately... but... well... um... I have a great excuse...

I'm happy...

I'm having fun...

And I'm not alone...

Yep, met someone.  Yep, he makes me happy.  Yep, we are having fun.

Not rushing things... just enjoying the simple moments that make having someone in your life nice.  We haven't gotten to the "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage but have both described each other as "the guy/girl that I'm dating."  It seems silly when you are thirty-something, but right now that's what we are... silly.  And silly is nice.  I have no doubt that he cares for me and I hope he can say the same.  There is no reason to rush into super serious titles.  I think every relationship needs the period where you keep it simple, have fun, and let these days take you into the next phase naturally.

I'll keep you updated.