{uh oh}

I know I have said in past posts that I always feel better and things seem to get better when I voice my concerns…

Well, here hoping…

I got a bit of a shock to the system last week, and by system I mean that emotional system that I try and keep a wall up around (well maybe a fence.)  Tall fish told me he was going out of town for work again.  No big deal right?  Well he told me he was going to be gone for two weeks come home for two days and then leave again for two weeks.  Ouch!  My heart sank the moment he told me this.  This sucks!  A month without him?  I actually felt tears welling up and I pouted like a 2-year old who had his toys taken away.  But in those moments I realized what I was feeling.  Feelings!  I not only care for him but I care about him; not that I didn’t know this before, I just hadn’t had that slap in the face realization until then.  I really do care about him.  I really do want something serious with him.  I really do miss him when he is gone.  I am now really, really scared!

I am not afraid of relationships.  I am not afraid of him in anyway.  I am however afraid of being hurt because I now know that this will hurt if something happens.  And now I am a little worried that he has withdrawn a bit.  I can’t think of anything I have done to make this happen.  I think I am just getting the “oh crap” feelings that make me worry about every little itty bitty thing.  I have had a long week with a lot going on, so things are definitely a little off.  I am hoping that it is the same on his end, that this week has just been a crazy one.

Oh, and on a side note, he doesn’t have to be gone the whole month.  He was just kidding with me.  He was gone over night a couple of days ago and will leave again in a week.  I am praying to the relationship Gods that I am just being a silly girl who has realized that there is a lot at stake here.  I want to keep things in perspective too.  We have only been dating for just over two months.  It is good that I am realizing what this means to me, but I do believe it is still early in the game to freak out about little itty bitty details.  Here’s hoping I have plenty of time to analyze and freak out about our relationship later (kidding.)

{i'm baaaaaaaaaaack...}

I know I have been seriously missing in action lately... but... well... um... I have a great excuse...

I'm happy...

I'm having fun...

And I'm not alone...

Yep, met someone.  Yep, he makes me happy.  Yep, we are having fun.

Not rushing things... just enjoying the simple moments that make having someone in your life nice.  We haven't gotten to the "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage but have both described each other as "the guy/girl that I'm dating."  It seems silly when you are thirty-something, but right now that's what we are... silly.  And silly is nice.  I have no doubt that he cares for me and I hope he can say the same.  There is no reason to rush into super serious titles.  I think every relationship needs the period where you keep it simple, have fun, and let these days take you into the next phase naturally.

I'll keep you updated.

{a choice}

somewhere between heartaches and waiting,
comes the chance to be found
by someone who can show you
that you don't have to be just an option,
but the only choice

{M.I.A.}

I know… I know… but I’ve been a little incapacitated. 

After my week, or so, of frenziful dating I subconsciously whittled them down to just one.  And he’s the first one I met… the first one I liked… the first one to make me laugh… and the only one who didn’t have any red flags!  I am actually at a loss for words right now.  Part of me doesn’t want to jinx anything, part of me doesn’t know how to explain how at ease and excited I am at the same time, and part of me just wants to enjoy it for a bit before I try and define it.

So… if I go a little MIA for a while it is because I am Missing In Adoration.  <GROAN>  I know… that was pretty cheesy! (but true)  I like him… now I’m going to take the time to enjoy that.

{from stud to dud}

It is so disappointing when you feel like you have a connection with someone through all your emails or texting and then you meet them and that goes right out the door.  I had been emailing with this very hilarious guy and we had great witty banter going back and forth, I was so excited to meet him.  From the first meeting to the uninvited kiss, the night was very waaaahhhnnnttt waaaahhhnnnttt.  For someone who was so entertainingly funny he turned out to be a dud.  He was so expressionless all night long and even when he would ask questions as I would talk he showed no interest or response.  This is exactly why I say meet them as soon as possible, even really great emails can be deceiving.

So, I will say that it is a bit exciting to have a different date almost every night of this week.  The goal is to actually get to the second date, but even if you don’t get past the first, you at least aren’t wasting your time with just emails.  I have crossed off quite a few fish already and am happy to do so.  I am also surprised by the Tall fish who has been very consistent and with whom I have a date tonight.  This will actually be the third time we’ve hung out. He seems to be slow and steady and I am very comfortable with him.  We’ll see how this progresses.

{I'm cookin'}

If variety is the spice of life than I am cookin’ up something tasty!  On Sunday I met Tall Fish, last night I met PA Fish, and by chance also met Latin Fish.  Tonight I am meeting Blue Fish.  Why do I feel like Dr. Seuss?  I don’t feel like I am a serial dater (fisher, maybe) by doing this.  I feel like it is the best way to actually get to know these guys and find out if there is a connection.  I don’t want to waste their time or mine if emailing is all we are good at.

So, 1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish…

I will report back as to which is actually a catch!

{hopless realist... doesn't have the same ring to it}

I am trying to nail down the patterns that I am starting to see develop.  When your inbox is flooded by emails from people who you don’t know from Adam… it can get hard to keep a grip on reality.  Yes, it is complementary that there are people who are interested in you.  They have seen your pictures, they have read your blurb, and now they have this idea in their head as to who you are and what they like about you.  I also have to remind myself that I am on the other side of this spectrum too.  I am looking at these profiles and photos and trying to imagine who these guys are.  And that’s what you can’t loose track of; you have your own idea of who they are.  You have perceived things from a few photos and short words. 

I get excited when there is someone that I can email back and forth for a few days.  It is very nice that someone shows interest in me to continuously hold a conversation.  It is easy to lose yourself in this pseudo online relationship.  Then there are the ones you may be interested in that will email you but not hold a steady stream of contact.  And because we are human we will crave the attention of the one who isn’t giving it as freely.

I am thankful for the ones with back and forth conversations that hold my interest, and the fact that I am obviously holding his interest since he keeps the conversation going.  I cannot, however, let myself get lost in it.  I am starting to drift off to this area of thought where I feel like I know him, almost as if I have met him and have the feeling that I know everything about him.  Don… don… don… don… The comfort zone.  The comfort zone is great when you have actually met someone.  But don’t get lost in it when you simply emailing back and forth.  You will set yourself up for disappointment if you give into your imagination too much.  You want to stay as realistic (not pessimistic) as possible.  Keep your thoughts of him to what you absolutely know about him.  He’s tall.  He has brown hair.  His picture is attractive.  He has a dog.  He is an engineer.  He likes Mumford and Sons.  Keep it simple and embrace the facts.  So when you meet him all of the things that underlie those facts will come out and you will be surprised… and hopefully impressed.

As for those guys that don’t give you as much but you are still interested in knowing them; you end up being patient when it comes to their timeliness.  You are going to end up imagining so much more about them.  It is the case of wanting what you can’t have.  And you will start making excuses as to why it takes 5 days for him to answer your email.  You are going to exaggerate all of the good qualities you think you know about him.  You are going to imagine yourself with him so much more than the guy you are talking to every single day.  This is all superficial.  Yes, they may turn out to be a great guy who was just busy, but you have to recognize the obvious.  If a guy is returning your emails 10 minutes after you send them (every time)… he is interested in you.  If a guy is answering your emails every 5 days… something else is holding his interest.

My advice is this… keep your feet grounded in the reality of the situation while you let your imagination run wild.  Be hopeful, but be rational.  And for goodness sakes, meet them as soon as you can.